Scared of being scared

Fear is a frequent topic among climbers. It’s natural. Your instincts are telling you that you’ve greatly increased your chances of dying by hanging yourself hundreds of feet above the ground, relying on a few nuts and cams, a rope, a belay device and another person to keep you from hitting the ground. It no longer seems that irrational for your calf muscles to be shaking uncontrollably or that you chalk up four extra times before going for the crux. Even if you’re topping out a highball and likely won’t die from the 20-foot fall, you probably aren’t psyched at the great likelihood of breaking an ankle. I even get nervous on single pitch sport routes, hesitating before attempting challenging moves even when I know I won’t ground out but don’t want to slam into the cliff below me either.

There are many books written on how to strengthen your mental climbing game and Steph Davis writes about the topic frequently in her blog High Infatuation. There are many things to fear while climbing including, but not limited to: heights, hitting the ground from several stories up, hitting a ledge, missing the pad, having your gear pop, having the rope break, back-clipping, failing at your project, failing to onsight, failing to send a climb below your grade, breaking a hold, getting hit with a broken hold, and regretting having previously consumed four Red Bulls and six Taco Bell burritos half-way up Cannon.

However, none of these plague me as much of the fear of being afraid. Much like worrying, this fear is completely irrational. Being afraid of being afraid does not help me climb harder or safer. It has never made me double check my knot or fueled my sending a project. It just makes me anxious.

I’d only been climbing outside for a few months the first time I saw Cream, a 20-foot V0+ highball classic at Pawtuckaway. Brandon jokingly said I should climb it and then immediately retracted the statement, saying he wouldn’t make me do that. If he thought it was too high, hard, and scary for me then I wouldn’t protest. I kept waking by.

Beta photo of Cream V0+ courtesy of Mountain Project and Travis Dustin

Later that spring, I traded an everything bagel with cream cheese for a ride to Pawtuckaway with Alec. I didn’t have any project plans for the day, and Alec was kind enough to show Sarah, another beginner climber, and me the easy classics of Pawtuckaway. Cream was on the list.

“Have you climbed Cream?” Alec asked. I said I hadn’t, and we walked over. Alec threw down a pad, pointed out the starting jugs, and reassured me that the downclimb was the hardest part. I grabbed the jugs, finding better and better holds as I went up. The feet were good, and I never felt insecure. I had no sense of how high off the ground I was until I topped out. I was never nervous. I don’t even remember whether or not Alec was spotting me, though he probably was. Alec thought I could climb Cream and left me with no time to be afraid before I’d sent. And he was right, the downclimb was the trickiest part, or maybe that’s just what I was expecting.

I’ve never done Cream since. To be honest: I’m scared to. I’m not scared of falling, though I remember none of my beta; I’m afraid that I’ll be afraid. I was so focused and emotionless the first time I climbed it that now I’m scared that I won’t have that same comfort the next time attempt to send.

Now, you might suggest that I go out to Pawtuckaway right now and conquer that fear immediately. But, being a wimp, I’m going to suggest another solution: climbing sauce. Sauce is a V3 traverse with a funky undercling that leads into Cream. To send Sauce, you have to send Cream. So, I think I’ll choose the route of surprising myself, resending Cream when I finally work out my short-person beta on Sauce. Then I’ll have less time to be scared, and hopefully I’ll be focused like my first send.

For now,  I’m going to work on not being afraid of being afraid. Between breaking my ankle last fall and the long, cold, snowy winter, it’s been a while since I lead sport or trad, so naturally I’m anticipating being a bit nervous for the first few clips/placements/whips. However, I won’t let my fear of feeling fear keep me from getting on hard routes again. And the only sleep I plan to lose over it will be out of pure excitement.